Hello, there. Dracula here. Yes, that Dracula. The one you're thinking of. Dude with the teeth. Right.
Now, from the start, let me say this: I need to clear up a few misconceptions. I am not writing in a ridiculously overdone Transylvanian accent. For crying out loud, people, give it a rest: I'm 500 years old and I only come out at night. I think I'm capable of learning a few new accents in all that spare time. And anyway, I have never--not once--uttered those Bela Lugosian words "I vant to drink your bloooood" that so many vampirephile losers love to say as soon as they stick a pair of fake fangs into their mouths. Give me a break! As if I would ever need to tell someone such a thing. My victims all come to me willingly. They want me to drink their blood.
Oh, and sleeping in a coffin? Who comes up with this crap? Why in the world would I sleep in a coffin when your century has such incredibly comfortable mattresses? And the pillows! I mean: pillows that conform to the shape of my head! I want to find the person who invented these things and make him even richer than he probably is already. It's true I can't come out in the day, but not because I'd burn to a cinder. It's just that, as I noted, I'm 500 years old. You know I have pretty darned good mind powers--cultivated them over the centuries--but it's all I can do to make myself seem dashing with the shadows to help. In the sunlight...well, let's just say that George Romero could use me as an extra in one of his Living Dead movies and no one would need to worry about makeup. I hate sunlight.
And that crap about vampires sparkling like diamonds? Makes me want to find Stephenie Meyer and bite her. Hard.
The whole vamp craze right now is pretty silly, if you want to know the truth. The Cullens and the Salvatores wouldn't have stood a chance in my heyday. But what the heck: they make for some fun entertainment for the kids I guess. No harm no foul. And I loved Buffy the Vampire Slayer! What a hoot! All those vamps obliterating into dust when they were staked! Hilarious! You know what actually would happen if you staked a vampire? He'd pull it out. Might say something meaningful like "ouch." Probably nothing that would pass muster with Buffy's screenwriters though. I really did love that show: great stuff, though the hordes of evil vamps were just pain silly.
I never met an evil vampire, actually. Never met a demon either. Got together for dinner with several other vamps a few months ago--whole nice buffet thing with a roast and lots of side dishes and some nice wines from California and a kick butt selection of desserts (we don't just drink blood)--and I asked them too. Nope: no one had ever seen an demons anywhere. I'm inclined to believe that it's all a fable. But go ahead, if you want: believe it. Dress up as goblins or ghouls for Halloween.
Or evil vampires coming to drink your blood without your permission.
Who knows? If you want it, we may come.
CW: finish the collage poem and ready it for attachment to the collage.
E2CP: we'll finish the movie tomorrow.
E3H: start thinking about essay topics.
here's a little halloween video:
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